Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
