We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
