Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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