I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
