You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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