If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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