I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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