It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
