this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
