I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
