Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize