bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
