I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize