I just threw up on my dentist
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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