worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
