he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
