Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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