I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize