Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have fence marks all over my body
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
