good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
