Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
