I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
