He uses pillows to masturbate.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
