"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
