I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
