Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize