and you said cock pushups were impossible
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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