dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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