You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
