Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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