I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize