Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
