this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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