i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
