Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
