I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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