I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
