My hand turned me down
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
