I love black thongs
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
