i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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