Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
