Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
