So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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