Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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