**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
