i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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