if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
