did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
