she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
