just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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