i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
