Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize