1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
