I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
