There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
