You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You need a sexual gate keeper
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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