I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
