She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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