Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
