i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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