I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
