it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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