Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
