I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
