You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
