I think my fart just growled at me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
