So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
