dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there is glitter all over my balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
