I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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